Growing up I didn’t know what it was like to love, respect or value myself. It wasn’t that I had a bad family, but I went through a lot of things that jaded my view of who I really was. I didn’t have it all, but I had enough to survive. I had morals, my family taught me how to treat people kindly and despite what I have been through I never lost that. Maybe that was a downfall, but I have always put others before myself and no matter how bad it made me feel as long as the other person was fine I would push aside my feelings on behalf of others.
My mom died when I was 9 years old. She had a brain tumor. My aunt, her sister, raised my sisters and I. My dad was never in the picture my mom left him when I was one because he abused her. It took her 10 years to finally leave him but she did it. As I share my life, what I should have learned from my mom is that if she had the courage to leave with nothing because she knew she didn’t deserve the abuse then I should be able to leave a meaningless man that I have no ties to. The hardest thing to accept was that I allowed countless men after my father to treat me the same. He only came back when she died and it was really to make sure she died and steal the money that was left for my sisters and I. He didn’t look for us or care to be a dad. He abandoned us. My aunt fulfilled the shoes of being my mom and dad. She took care of me by working on her sowing machine. She did the best she could with what she had. It is because of my aunt I have these amazing qualities. The greatest attribute she gave me was patience. I wanted to be a lawyer but I went to college to party, drink and do drugs. My home was old fashion and my family sheltered me. One touch of freedom and I started acting up.
A lot of the struggle I experienced came from past relationships. They were violent, abusive, the guys were drug addicts, prisoners, thieves, liars, cheaters. It was a vicious cycle of no good guys. Truth be told they had nothing to offer me that was of worth.
My eyes were open when I dated a Christian guy. I stopped doing drugs and smoking weed. He took me to church where I had my first encounter with God. I got baptized and everything changed for me. It didn’t work out between us because we were opposite he was a homebody and I was very social. We didn’t see life the same but I am grateful that he led me to Christ and I finished college. He motivated me and I stopped lots of bad habits but we drifted apart.
The viscous cycle needed to stop, but I still hadn’t learned my lesson. Yes, I knew the truth and it was in me but I was easily swayed by others and circumstances. I met a guy and started doing all the things I stopped doing right to better myself. He called himself a Christian but I was back to the same lifestyle that was not taking me anywhere. I had known him in high school but from the beginning our relationship was based on lies. I saw all the signs of why it wouldn’t work but I didn’t listen to them. All the anguish, pain and sadness I once let go of came back. And that was a place I never wanted to return to. But I knew I had to get out. SO after this season of heartbreak, I am LETTING GO. It is really hard. Some days are easier than others. I have seen more than enough for me to know that God has better for me. I prayed for signs and God clearly showed me it was time to walk away because
my peace of mind is more important than this stress I was feeling.
When it came to relationships I have made a lot of bad choices in looking for a partner. I wanted to be love by a man so desperately. But as I have learned the only being that can do that was God. I have done harmful things to myself. I should not be alive right now, but I am still here and I know it is because he has a purpose for me and I want to live that out. I have used drugs, had meaningless sex, I have been raped and allowed my body to be abused. All of which left me empty. The only love I should be worried about is God’s love. He is the only one that can satisfy me and will never let me down.
Even in my stubbornness he never stopped chasing me. Now that is real love.
I am actively seeking God. I crave the word like a “fat kid loves cake…haha”. Everyday it is more evident of how God is working in me. You see it in my appearance, my emotions, my actions and I love that feeling of growth. I want to continually be growing and being formed into the person I was created to be. With everything I have been through it has not knocked me down. Yes. I feel down from time to time but I pray and find unexplainable PEACE even when it is not so easily tangible. I didn’t go through all of this instability of finding my identity in all the wrong things for nothing so I know for a fact God has way more in stored for me than what I can think or imagine. I do not let my past define who I am or my amazing future that is ahead of me. I will not let the cycle continue. I must do better and trust that God will always be enough and he will bless me with my heart’s desire when I am ready.
Be real. Be you. Your story matters.