Cold Feet

So I have been engaged since my Mother’s 50th birthday party. I will never forget August 26th, 2018. I was going crazy planning her surprise party unaware she was planning my surprise engagement, and at the end, we shared the day together.

I have wanted to be engaged for so long you would think when it happened I would have been way more into it but, the exact opposite happened. I was so concerned about sounding selfish that when I talked about it, I wasn’t allowing myself to accept the wonderful feelings and excitement that comes with getting engaged. I was worried about being overbearing and thinking about myself. Thankfully, I had a soaking session with a group of girls and we prayed one for another, asking God to make the last 4 months of our year productive, and where we should be putting our focus as they all encouraged me to embrace this season I have been blessed with.

So, I began wedding planning. I picked the date and venue within the first week but then it started to set in that I would be married and would need to become a whole wife. I would no longer care for only myself but I would need to think about a whole husband, and it frightened me mainly because I felt I worked so hard to enjoy my singleness, maybe too much and now didn’t want to let go. I was scared to share finances that I feel I worked so hard to earn and how I would also be giving up my precious extra time I had left for myself. I even started going to therapy because I needed to talk through this stuff with a professional. The thought of getting married now felt like I was losing my mantra of being “MISS INDEPENDENT”. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fiancé Kevin so much and I want to be with him. I was just experiencing cold feet. I had to remind myself of how life was when we broke up and how devastated I was. So it wasn’t that I didn’t want him, its that I wanted me too.

My emotions were so bad I began pushing Kevin away and I didn’t want him around. Because he is so thoughtful, he respected and understood that space I needed to take, for me. First marriage lesson: communicate what you’re feeling! I have been talking through this with my therapist about having a voice and using it. I was so scared to even share what I was feeling because I didn’t want to hurt or offend Kevin, that in turn I was not being true to myself but, she challenged and encouraged me to be genuine, honest, open and authentic. Marriage is a huge deal and if I can’t say simple things like ‘I just want to enjoy my singleness until we are officially married’. Then how will I ever be able to talk about the big stuff that couples argue about?

So I spoke up and received my space. It lasted about 3 weeks and I was ready to share my life with him again. It is okay to give yourself time and space to work through things that make you uncomfortable. I talked a lot with God, my mom, and my besties, and was able to get to the core of my feelings and grow from that. I understood getting married didn’t mean losing myself but gaining a blessing when we learn how to work as partners. Ultimately life is about BALANCE. I can still spend time with my girls, take classes at the School of Ministry, serve at church and do life with Kevin. When we have kids I’ll have to reevaluate how I am spending my time outside of work, and I will cross that bridge when I get there, but I digress.

In my alone time of retrospection, examining why I was experiencing cold feet.

I realized I cared about my own progress and growth for so long that I didn’t want to give that up or share my dreams and aspirations with someone else. But at the same time, I wanted to be a bride. So I came to my senses after having had honest conversations with Kevin, and he has shared with me how he was waiting for me to let him help with Her Hope Arises. He believes in me and I didn’t even give him a chance because Her Hope Arises is my baby and I am so protective and so afraid that it can be taken away. But it is a fear from past experiences, and I am still learning to trust. He wants to support me but I haven’t even given him the opportunity to do so.  But I am learning how to share with endeavors that God has put in my heart. We are leading the youth group together at my church and even that in itself has had its share of victories and failures. While reading my Bible, in preparation for Kevin’s sermon Sunday, the story of Joseph reminded me countless times through his story that God will turn the bad stuff into something great, always! I just need to continue to depend on God in EVERYTHING.

Now, I am looking forward to pre-marital classes, so we can talk about the nitty gritty stuff with the expectancy of having an exceptional marriage.

Last lesson of the day. My therapist also taught me to stop using words like successful or great because what does that really mean? What does it look like? She advised me to be specific and intentional about what my expectations and intentions of our marriage will be.  I now know I want to have a meaningful and love-filled marriage which pretty covers what we’re working on.

With lots of love,

A Bride-To-Be

Engagement Photoshoot: https://www.fabianephotography.com