To be completely honest, I am still in shock. Some of you don’t know this, but from the beginning, it has always been difficult for me to get pregnant. After 3 years of marriage, we were blessed! I thought it would never happen to me but, in 2013 I got pregnant. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. I delivered our first son at 20 weeks. I won’t go into the details but what I will say is that was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me. I say best because it was an experience that brought me closer to God.
Fast forward to 3 years after that in 2016. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Liam. It felt like my husband and I had tried forever to get pregnant until we finally just stopped trying, and he came unexpectedly. I had a high-risk pregnancy, due to me having what they call an incompetent cervix. So that meant they had to stitch my cervix. Being unable to carry to term on my own, is the reason why I lost the first baby. This time I had a great doctor and an even greater support system.
I still can’t believe that I’m a mother! It’s seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m learning day by day. I make a lot of mistakes, I feel guilty and I get annoyed. I’m not the mom I thought I’d be. What I’m learning is that’s ok. It pushes me to seek God and cling to him for guidance. Liam is also teaching me things about myself I never knew before. Unconditional love, compassion, and gratefulness. Being his mother has blessed me immensely and don’t get me wrong, he also drives me absolutely crazy! Ask my friends and family, they will tell you. For some reason I believed he would be my only child, I don’t know why. I guess I just thought that I couldn’t handle another baby. Patience is not my thing, so I figured God knows this, so I’m good, right? I figured maybe I’ll get pregnant when Liam is 5 or 6 years old, and I always told God, please don’t wait too long in between because I don’t want to start over again. Well, He took that one serious because I am now pregnant again. By the time I give birth, Liam will be turning 3. God can be so funny. Again, I was in shock and the crazy thing is that it will be 3 years after Liam. I think I see a pattern….
This pregnancy has been far from easy. I’ve been so sick and nauseous. I can’t keep anything down. I’m super hormonal. I know, I know, I’m not the first mom to get these symptoms, but it has put through it. Trying to deal with this pregnancy, a two-year-old, work and my husband, it’s definitely brought me to my knees. The problem was that not only was I struggling with these feelings and emotions but, I’ve also felt guilty about them. Guilty because, in my mind, I should know better. In my mind, I’m not being grateful. In my mind, God is going to change his mind about blessing me again. But, only through my relationship with God, has He reassured me that it’s ok to not feel ok. This is just a process. God doesn’t take blessings away. He’s the one taking me through the hardest parts and showing me He is my strength in my weaknesses. To be honest, I was excited in the beginning, even though I spent most of my time complaining and then feeling bad. But now I’m learning that my Father is with me and will still use all of this for His glory. Grace is not limited. Jesus is not limited to our feelings and emotions. We limit God, but I pray that we will be real with ourselves to not only surrender the not so fun stuff, but allow ourselves to go through our feelings, and not be led by them. Trusting that always being thankful and knowing God is in control will teach us something in those difficult moments.
God is so amazing. He put in my heart to start reading the book of Psalms. That’s a really long book but, it was like He said just take your time and come with me on this journey. I must admit, I was inspired by reading about how David went through some hard times, while always letting God know his true feelings about his struggles. How even at a point he questions if God is even listening. The most beautiful part is that even in that same Psalm, he gives God the glory. We are not that different. God wants us to really have a true honest relationship with Him. We can say whatever is in our heart without thinking He will take our salvation away. So yes, there are times that I struggle with doubt. That fear tries to creep in, but my Father is faithful and He doesn’t lie! I just have to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I can’t do this without Him. To be honest, none of us can. We can try but will never, truly succeed.
